


Memento Mori... unless you don't have to

by ProjectWRITTEN



Category: Black Mirror (TV), Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Inspired by Black Mirror, No Happy Ending Fest, Very Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:14:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25193002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProjectWRITTEN/pseuds/ProjectWRITTEN
Summary: Death doesn't discriminate, it takes and it takes and it takes, whether saints or sinners, in the end, all are equal in the eyes of death.But what if, for once, you could cheat it? Would you? Should you?"There is no Shepard without Vakarian, no matter what..."Black Mirror inspired
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	Memento Mori... unless you don't have to

Shepard’s arm stung from the amount of times she kept pinching herself today, she had done so often that Liara had taken a hold of her hand and held in hers in order to get her to stop. She was in the one situation she never wanted to be in. The one place. Forget the crucible, forget the collector base. She would take a million of those over where she is now. 

_ “His injuries were too great” _

It was her worst nightmares combined into one giant night terror. Her pinches to herself kept proving that unfortunately it was real. 

_ “They were lost for too long a time” _

Damn it, she kept her promise! Why couldn’t he keep his? They were meant to stop after this! Retire, live somewhere warm and tropical and just be together!

_ “We did all we could” _

It was Harbinger, his damn fucking red ray of death. He had hit Garrus. She thought she had saved him by asking for pick up, she thought out of everyone, she could guarantee at least his life. 

But like everything in Shepard’s life, guarantees didn’t exist. 

_ “I’m sorry” _

Garrus’s funeral was long, or short? Shepard didn’t really feel the concept of time go by. She was lost in her own head, she was struggling internally, one part was hoping and begging that this was some-kind of fever dream. She was still in a coma, she would wake up any minute and Garrus would be there next to her and their future could finally begin. The other part was trying to get to grasp with this reality. Garrus was dead. 

He was gone, gone from the galaxy, gone from her life, there wasn’t any power that could bring him back. It was a reality she had to accept, no matter how hard she didn’t want to. 

Turian funerals are surprisingly beautiful affairs, they weren’t as emotional as human funerals were everyone dresses in black and cries, instead it’s very sombre, there is music and no-one cries, it’s almost comforting. Almost. Shepard was glad they did this way, Garrus would hate it if his funeral was just tears. 

Shepard stared at her apartment. She hadn’t even put her bags down, not even taken a step in, just let the door close behind her. She hadn’t asked her friends to follow, did she regret that now? 

The emptiness of the apartment was all encompassing. Like a thick blanket. It was such a powerful force that Shepard just caved in, she sank to the floor and let the tears fall.

She didn’t know how long she sat there but she finally having the strength to eventually get up, Shepard walked up to her bathroom and just sank in hottub. If she sank her head underwater maybe she could stay there, and join Garrus. 

Eventually deciding to move from the tub to the coach, Shepard just let the weight of the day fall on her, it was like she was done fighting. She had no-one to fight for now. Everyone had someone or something to continue pushing for, but now, her future beyond the reapers was gone. 

Shepard just stared out the window onto the wards below, watching life as it just carried on moving, a cruel reminder how some just never got to see life beyond the reapers. At least this was better than the skylight on the normandy, although the prospect of joining the stars didn’t seem that horrifying now. Damn she needed another drink.

Her drink pouring was interrupted however by a ping from her omni-tool, usually if it was from the council or Alliance she would just ignore it except this time it was from Miranda well it was forwarded from her, so she opened it.

‘You have been invited to the first live BETA for the simulation project BRB. We have set up Garrus with all the accurate simulations and possibilities. If you want to continue and be a part of this exciting new software please follow the link below and together we can cheat death forever” Shepard read that over and over and each time the rage built up in her system and before she knew it, she was hitting the call button.

“What the fuck is this?” Shepard hissed, not even bothering to say hello

“It’s an experiment shepard” Miranda replied “An experiment designed to help people who’ve suffered loss due to the war, people like you”

“I don't care what it is, I don't want it! It's obscene to use his name” Shepard screamed over the call “His name, for God's sake! It hurts, you know it hurts”

“Which is why I signed you up” Miranda said, as if it was completely matter of fact “It’ll help you mourn”

“What is it? W-What is it?” Shepard asked, stammering over her words thanks to the sheer anger, confusion and distress that were at war in her mind. 

“You click the link and you talk to it” Miranda explained

“You talk to it?” Shepard now even more confused

“You type messages in, like on the extranet, and then it talks back to you, just like he would” 

“He's dead.” Shepard snapped back “DEAD”

“It's software, it simply mimics him.” Miranda replied back “It goes back and reads through all the things they've ever said on the extranet usually it would be anything public but Garrus wasn’t public, so I took the liberty of going through his messages…”

“You gave it Garrus's name! It's sick!” Shepard screamed, frustrated that Miranda just did not seem to get it “It's sick!”

“Just say hello to it.” Miranda insisted “The more you talk to it, the more it’ll become him, it’s quite an advanced AI, not like EDI or the Geth but it’s close.”

“It won't be, it won’t be him, it’ll never be him!” Shepard moaned in exasperation, 

“No, it's not, but it helps.” Miranda replied. “Just, just try it, and if you hate it, delete it, if anything it’ll help us for the beta” Without having much else to say, Miranda ended the call, leaving Shepard on her own once again. 

  
  


Soldiers like Shepard do not mourn, they haven’t got the luxury, too many things to do, too many bullets to fire, too many people to save. No time to mourn the fallen, not time to think. But now, there was no galaxy to save, no bullets to fire. Now all she could do is think. Her mind wandered to all the deep, dark corners of her consciousness, what would have happened if she had taken Garrus with her? Would he have lived? Would they had both died? What if they both lived? What would their lives be like now? Looking around her apartment she saw remnants of the lives they could have had. The two waking up together in bed, Garrus’s arms wrapped around her. Shepard leaning her head on his shoulder as they watched some inane programme on the extranet. The two of them rushing in the morning to head out, always finding the time to peck each other on the cheek, or head or mandible. All of it, just a dream now. 

Shepard had completely lost her concept of time, weeks and days blended into each other, each ceremony was just the same as the last. The same ‘thank you for your service’, ‘we are all in your debt’ etc… Those words had no meaning anymore, the galaxy could never repay her as they took the one person that made her life complete. 

She had attempted to message Tali at one point, wanting to talk, to cry, to rant at the audacity of Miranda to even suggest such a monstrosity to her. Shepard did send a message, but as what seemed to be the theme these days, the message was left unread. 

The time came where Shepard just stopped attending the celebrations, what was there to celebrate. She still talked to her squad, although it took a lot of coaxing. All of them were busy now. Tali and Wrex were rebuilding their homeworlds, Liara was re-establishing her broker network with Javik’s help, all busy and all thinking about something else, other than the lost. 

Most of the time now, Shepard just spent in her room, mainly sleeping but occasionally answering messages and going to council meetings discussing the fate of the galaxy now. Now that she had saved she was ‘respected’ by the council. Although shepard knew she was just there as a trophy. That’s all she was now, a trophy spectre, someone the council could display as the golden example of the success of the spectre programme, someone everyone should inspired to be, someone that followed the council…. And everyone bought it. So nowadays, for as much as she could, shepard would remain as far away from the council and the press and the public as possible, just looking at the extranet or sleeping, ignoring messages for as long as possible. 

Which is what she should have done with this message. When her omni-tool pinged, she let just rolled over, trying to ignore it, except the damn omni-tool kept blinking so of course she had to open it to get rid of it. That’s when she saw who it was from and what it said. It was from Miranda. 

‘It won’t bring him back, but it may help’.

Shepard looked at the message, at that infernal link. She knew she should just shut down the message, delete it, erase it from existence. And yet she didn’t. 

It was like a siren, calling out to her from beyond the depths of the unknown sea. And like a siren, it was dangerous but enticing, risky but intriguing. Her morbid curiosity was ticking at her, like a worm infiltrating her brain. 

Just close the message

Close the message

CLOSE THE FUCKING MESSAGE

The link opened as she moved her finger away from the datapad. The datapad went blank for a bit, with a loading circle buffering for several seconds. Shepard felt her heart in her throat, she didn’t dare breathe.

“Hello” the bot typed. No not bot, Garrus?. No, the bot obviously, Garrus was dead remember? 

“Hi” she found herself typing back before her brain even registered what her fingers were doing. “Is that really you?” 

“No, it’s the legendary Archangel, dispenser of justice in an unjust galaxy” the bot typed out in response “Yes it’s me”

“I just came on here to say one thing” Shepard typed

“What’s that?” the Garrus bot asked

“I miss you” Shepard typed, she bite down on her nail, thinking about writing more, “I miss you, and I love you”

“I love you too Shepard” the bot stopped typing for a minute as if itself was in thought “I wish I was with you right now”

That was the final blow, the final nail in the coffin. At that moment, Shepard let go and sobbed. 

Leaving the room for a while, going downstairs to make herself yet another drink, she needed to distance herself from what had happened. What had happened?? She just talked Garrus, no a bot pretending to be Garrus. But it seemed so real? Like she was talking to his spirit…

The sound of her omni-tool ringing shook her out of her thoughts. It was Tali.

“Shepard!” her voice came through on the call, her voice filling up the otherwise empty flat. “I’m sorry I only saw your message now, how are you feeling?”

Shepard tiredly smiled back, bless Tali, she could never really be mad at her “It’s alright, I’m fine”

“Are you sure? If you want I can come over? I can take some leave..” 

“No! Don’t worry, honestly I’m fine” Shepard fasly assured

“You always say that, I’m coming over, I’m getting the next shuttle over”

“Honestly Tali, I’m alright! Focus on building your homeworld, they need you more than I do” Shepard sighed, leaning against the wall of her kitchen “Listen, I’ve got to go, got a report due in one sol so, thank you though, for calling” 

Shepard hung up before she even heard Tali’s response and slowly made her way back to her empty, cold bed. 

She tossed and turned that night, sleep of course not making it’s appearance. She had been given some sleeping tablets from Chakwas but refused to use them, as if she needed more medication these days… Her gaze wondered to the datapad, picking it up she stared at it, the black mirror of the screen reflecting her tired, depressed and scared gaze. Was she really going to do this? Again?

‘Hello’ she typed out

‘Hey” the Garrus bot typed

‘Are you busy?’ god that was a stupid question

‘Well not much calibrating to be done here so no’ it joked, making Shepard laugh

‘I wish I could talk to you’

‘What are we doing right now then?’

‘I mean really speak to you’

‘We can’ Shepard leant forward, she could have kissed the screen how close she was. 

‘How?’

It was so simple, stupidly simple, deceptively simple. After a couple of taps and clicks, the application had started the process of going through all of Garrus’s old voice calls, recordings, meeting transcripts to pick out all of the possible words and phrases that Garrus had said and could say, all to make it more like him.

After about 20 minutes of collecting data, the app stopped and the screen went black. Shepard leaned forward in anticipation. The seconds ticked by hours. 

Then, her omni-tool rang. 

“How am I sounding?' it spoke, it had Garrus’s voice exactly 'Hello?' it echoed, because that’s exactly what it was, an echo. 

“Hello!” Shepard replied “You sound just like him” 

'Almost creepy isn't it? 'I say creepy, 'Actually it’s almost insane that I can even talk to you.

'I mean, I don't even have a mouth, but we’re used to the insane aren’t we?”

' That's that's just

'Just what?' That's just the sort of thing that he would say?” Garrus asked, almost in a teasing way

'Well, that's why I said it”

“ I think I'm going mad” Shepard muttered, not really directed at Garrus, though he heard it anyway.

“Well I’m surprised it’s only happened now” he joked, causing shepard to choke up a sob. 'You're not crying, are you?' 

Shepard sniffed, rubbing her nose “Sorry, you never liked it when I cried”

“Well, who would want to see their wife crying?”

“You were everything to me” 

“I was?”

“Yeah, everything”

Before she knew it, these conversations became a regular if not constant occurrence. From the moment she got out of bed she would be talking until she was too tired to carry on. Was it an addiction? Was it a form of coping? Or was it something else? A siren pulling her into the abyss?

Shepard had gotten so far as to talk with him while out. It was a risk, but he was in her ear, she had her earpiece on constantly, and no-one knew who she was really talking to. It was a completely normal act she was doing. At least on the outside.

“So Wrex sent me his first baby pictures, cute little fuckers actually, they’re all round and chubby” Shepard explained as she sat down on a bench in the presidium

'Show me what they look like” Garrus asked

'”How?”

'Just send me a picture from your omni-tool” Shepard brought up her omni-tool and sent the photo. 

'Ha, cute little guy” Garrus commented

“You’re always said you had a soft spot for kids” Shepard commented

“Heh, yeah, still waiting to see what a turian/human baby looks like” Garrus replied

“Poor thing would probably look horrific, maybe adoption would have been the better route” Shepard laughed

“Ha, yeah I suppose” Shepard agreed 

A call decided to break their conversation, causing shepard to look down at her omni tool “Oh, wait, hang on” she muttered looking at who was calling, it was Tali

'Shall I go?' Garrus asked

“No, no, no” Shepard replied, quickly hitting the hang up button on her omni-tool “I'll call her back later”

“I'm going to go and see if I can snoop out some food”

  
  


The calls seemed to last all day now, from dawn to dusk. Even when Shepard was doing something else, something she should be concentrating on, like a report or retraining she would be talking to the point where it some would call it dangerous.

It was the end of the day now, and although Shepard wasn’t one to to cook she did need something to eat. 

She was half-focused on trying to fetch a ration pack from the back of one of her cupboards, all while talking to Garrus about the latest edition of the widow which has been released which was 100 times worse than the previous version because it was easier to fire when every sniper knows, the harder the fire rate, the better the damage. That was when Shepard brought her head back up to the counter, she knocked her head, causing the earpiece to fall out.

“Oh, shit” she gasped, her eyes widening in shock “Shit, shit, shit shit!” Shepard scrambled to get the earpiece back into her ear, her panicked state making it ten times more harder than it should be. “Garrus? Hello? Garrus? Garrus? Garrus?” Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on” she prayed

“Hello?” Garrus asked, answering her pleas

“ I'm sorry!” Shepard sobbed” 

“What happened?'

“I dropped you” Shepard explained, her voice muffled with sobs “I'm sorry”

'Hey, it's all right, I'm fine” Garrus reassured “I'm not in that thing, you know, 'I'm remote, I'm in the extranet, kinda so you don't have to worry about breaking me”

' It was just, it was stupid”

'It's all fine” Garrus reassured “Calm down, 'I'm not going anywhere”

  
  


It was that night the topic came up. She couldn’t remember how but somehow Shepard couldn’t help to think about his face,his facial markings, his scars. She hadn’t thought she had said it outloud but she must have made a comment about how she missed his scars, how she loved them despite Garrus thinking otherwise

“That reminds me, I was going to talk to you about that, actually” Garrus said, linking the conversation to his point

'Reminds you about what?” Shepard asked, her curiosity rising

“There's another level to this available, so to speak” The Garrus bot started to explain “It’s somewhat experimental, and I won't lie, it’ll cost a lot of credits”

“What is it?”

'Are you sitting down? This might sound a bit weird but I think you’ll be able to stomach it”

  
  


It did not take much convincing, in fact Shepard had agreed that very evening and then the next morning, it had arrived. 

“Morning” one of the delivery men, the salarian said

“Morning” Shepard replied, looking over the box

“What's this, 100 blocks of eezo ?” the other delivery man, the turian joked

“I wish” Shepard replied, in attempt to mask her unease

“Where's it going, upstairs?” 

“Yeah, please” Shepard confirmed 

“Place your credit chip here” the salarian asked, requesting payment.

“Ok” Shepard replied, placing her chip on the salarians datapad “Oh, when you get it up there, you have to lie it on its back” she instructed

Once the delivery men were gone, Shepard got to work by unboxing this…. Whatever it was… 

It was huge, and heavy. With caution, she carefully opened the box. It was like opening an egyptian sarcophagus which had been untouched for 4000 years. What would await her when she revealed its contents to the light. 

It was… odd. A strange biped form, locked in a fetus position was snugly tucked into the box, it was a pale colour and had no real features, she supposed it was so it could take the form of any species in the milky-way. 

“Hey, Let me see” Garrus’s voice echoed from her omnitool. Obeying the command, she brought up her omnitool to let the Garrus AI view the body.

“Ha, well I was always ugly, wasn’t I?” the Garrus joked

“It doesn't look like you” Shepard commented sadly

“Not yet” Garrus replied, she could hear the smirk in his voice “It's blank till you activate it, get the bath ready”

Shepard didn’t move immediately, instead just staring at the being in the box, it was like it was pulling her in, she started to wonder  _ what have I unleashed... _

“Shep?” Garrus called, snapping her out of her trance “Get the bath ready” it ordered again

“What is this?” Sheaprd asked as she noticed a gel like substance covering the biped form as she cut it from its packaging

“It's nutrient gel” the Garrus Ai explained “Stops the synthetic muscle drying out in transit”

“Smells almost like marshmallow” Shepard commented as she sniffed the substance now on her hands

“You can eat it if you like” Garrus joked “It's non-toxic”

“I'll give that a miss, thanks” 

“Don't forget the electrolytes” Garrus reminded her

“right - the whole lot?” Shepard asked, looking at the packet in her hand

“Mm-hm, the whole lot”

“It's like fish food” Shepard commented as she poured the electrolytes into the bath, on top of body now occupying the bathtub

“How would you know what fish food looks like?” Garrus joked “You never used the stuff”

“That was cold” Shepard joked back

“Right, better leave him to it” 

“Right” Shepard as she left the bathroom, she sat on her bed and waited for… whatever was happening. 

“I have to go in a minute” the Garrus Ai said

“No, don't leave me here with it!” Shepard replied, her voice raising in a sort of panic.

“I’m sorry but you’ll be fine, come on you’ve dealt with worse!” the Ai reassured her. 

“Right, shepard relaxed back on her bed, of course she would be fine, she was commander fucking Shepard, destoryer of the reapers, she could handle some weird form in the bathtub.

“Listen” Garrus said “You can hear it - it's starting already” Shepard got up and went to the bathroom door, pressing her head against the door, listening in on what scientific reaction was taking place

“Don't swi...... the b...room l..t on” the Ai’s audio was crackling on and off so it was hard to really get a grasp on what he said

“Don't what?” Shepard asked again

“ Don't switch the bathroom light on” the Ai clarified “Let it brew” 

“Listen, I've got to go” Garrus said, some splashing and bubbling could be heard inside the bathroom. It sounded like a whole chemical explosion happening inside. It was almost terrifying. For a split second Shepard thought  _ What am I doing? _

Then it stopped. And there was silence. Was it safe to enter? Should she open the door? Or would it be better to simply turn around and forget? Was it even too late to do that? Or was this the point of no return?

After much trepidation, she opened the door, afterall she couldn’t just leave it… leave him there.

Light started to seep into the dark bathroom and slowly onto the now turian like form standing in the middle of it. As more light seeped into the bathroom, the shape became more defined, and now what was a lifeless, featureless body, was now a carbon copy of the only person Shepard ever truly loved. 

It was almost uncanny. Whatever type of technological or chemical experiment took place, it had managed to replicate Garrus right down to his markings. It’s body dripping from the remaining solution still clinging to his body. It was like he had just been born, or hatched. A little bit like when Grunt was released from his glass womb, only this was bringing someone back from the dead, not birthing him into the world for the first time. 

“You could've left me some clothes” the Garrus form joked, breaking the silence between “I mean, I know the last word you’d use to describe me would be sauve but still, talk about an undignified entrance” he continued to joke. Shepard didn’t reply, only taking a couple of slow steps towards it, or him, her eyes wide, as if they themselves couldn’t register what they were seeing. 

“That's a bit weird” the Garrus form remarked as Shepard took another step closer “What you're doing” 

“Can I just grab a towel?” He asked, reaching for one in the bathroom cuboard “I'm dripping everywhere”

Shepard turned to head back into the room, in her wardrobe, right at the bottom, tucked in a box was a turian hoodie, or at least it felt like a hoodie, it was soft and warm. It was Garrus’s. Carefully, Shepard took it out from the box, her hands shaking, as if she was scared it would fall to pieces being taken out into the air. Slowly she lifted it to her face, it smelt of him. That scent of gun oil, cinnamon and turian coffee, kafka. She held it against her for a moment and then held it through the bathroom door, handing it Garrus’s new form. 

Once he was dressed and dry, the two found themselves sat at opposite ends of the sofa in the living room, Shepard just staring at… whatever he is

“Hello?” The Garrus shape said as he patted the space beside him “I won't bite” 

“I'm all right here for now” Shepard replied, her eyes still in shock at what was in front of her 

“Would you like me to cook something?” Garrus asked

“Do you even eat?” Shepard questioned 

“No” Garrus replied “I mean, I don't need to. I can chew and swallow, if that makes it easier?” 

Shepard shook her head in response “Don't worry about it, it's fine”

Another silence poured over them like liquid concrete. 

“I need a drink” Shepard said as she got up to the kitchen, pouring herself a stiff glass of ryncol, then another just for good measure. 

“You’re walking better” Garrus said “Told you you would be back on your feet in no time” Normally Shepard would have smiled at that, instead she ignored it, turned back to face him, face it and really looked at him, at what he was. 

“You look well” She said, her eyes finding his

“Well, I’m not quite as old as Wrex yet” he smirked

“No, I mean… you look like him on a good day, even with the scars, like there was no war” Shepard clarified

“Photos only show physical scars not mental ones”

Shepard’s hand came up to his face, ever so gently caressing it, tracing it’s features. It looked real but when tracing his face, his scars were just smooth, she could see the scars but not feel them. He was like… a plain turian, like a straight carbon copy. 

“You're so smooth” she murmured “ How are you so smooth? I can see your scars, your markings, you weren’t smooth, you were rough and warm…”

“It's texture-mapping” he clarified “The really tiny details are visual - 2D” Shepard’s hand went from his face to his cowl, gently tracing the details of this new body. 

“Does it bother you?” he asked

“No” She replied hesitantly “Yeah… oh I don’t know!” the tears started to stream down her face “I missed you,I missed you so much!”

“Hey, don't cry” Garrus said, bringing her against him, hugging her tightly “Don't cry, it’s ok” The tears continued to stream as Shepard just allowed herself to be held. 

Somehow they ended back in the room, with Garrus sitting at the head of the bed and Shepard on her knees in front of him. She just looked at her dead fiance in front of her, so many and all emotions had been spilled through her that all reasoning and common sense went through the window. 

“Come on then” she said as she started to strip herself “Top off” Garrus obeyed and he robotically took off his hoodie. Once he was bare, it was here that Shepard got a closer and deeper look at his new body. She started to notice things that she hadn’t originally noticed. 

“What's wrong?” he asked, noticing her concern

He had a burn, there” she said “His encounter with Garm earned him warp burn on his side” she smiled as she remembered his many stories of his time as Archangel, how he loved to reminisce and glorify those days.

“Where?” Garrus asked 

“There” she said as she pointed to his right side

“Hang on” he said, as a warp burn started to appear beneath her finger.

“What the fuck” she mouthed “That's completely fucking stupid” 

Garrus only shrugged in response. After a moment of silence between the two, Shepard brought one of Garrus’s hands to her breast. He simply held it, only to bring his hand back down, she frowned and brought his hand back up

“Hello?” Shepard questioned 

“Hi..?” Garrus replied back, equally as confused as her

“Your hand's on my tit” She clarified “I’m not as fit as before but you're doing wonders for my self-esteem here” 

“There's no record of my sexual response” Garrus replied “I never really talked about that stuff on the extranet”

“But you did.. Research, wouldn’t that be in your records?” Shepard asked 

“On you, well humans, not on my own arousal, I’d assume I’d know what would turn me on” 

“Ok but I mean... This works?” Shepard asked as she cupped his crotch

“Oh” Garrus understood “That, I can turn that on and off pretty much instantly” he demonstrated, as Shepard felt his plates open, then close “See? I can do it again if you like” 

She should have thought about it but she didn’t, she needed this, she had been so touch-starved, so lonely, she missed him so much. She leaned in and gently kissed him on the mandible. There was no cinnamon smell, no musk, but at least physically he was here, right?

One thing left to another and Shepard found herself beneath him, 

“Oh, oh, G-d” she gasped, feeling her cunt being penetrated over and over “Oh, shit” After so long with no contact, no feeling, to suddenly make love, it was overwhelming, over stimulating. 

“Should I stop?” Garrus asked

“Don’t you fucking dare!!!” she groaned, gripping his back harder now. She hit her peak, she let her head collapse back onto the pillows behind her, her breathing shaky and deep. 

“Let me guess” she gasped “Fornax?” 

“And a lot of other porn” Garrus replied as he settle down beside her

“I love you” as she brought her arm across his chest, spooning him.

“I love you” she heard him replied as her eyes fluttered shut. 

For the first time in a long time, she actually slept deeply. 

The light of the citadel echoed in her apartment, her omni-tool’s alarm letting them know it was morning. She was still spooning Garrus when Shepard woke. She sat up, turning to look at him, only to find him still awake, eyes opened staring at the ceiling. 

“What is it?” he asked, noticing her strange looks

“What were you doing?” she asked

“Nothing” .

“The way your eyes were open, it freaked me out” 

!You'd prefer if I closed them?” Garrus asked

“ What, when you're sleeping?”

“Um, yeah? I don't really need to sleep”

“Well, just try, next time” Shepard replied getting agitated at his answers, getting up to collect her clothes that were strewn around the floor before heading down into the living room, her head in her hands.  _ What the fuck am I doing? _

“Can I get you anything?” Garrus’s voice said 

“No”

“Coffee, I know how much you need it in the morning” he joked

“I said no!” Shepard snapped, slamming her hands on the coffee table. She looked back up at him, her eyes starting to water, how could she get angry at that face, the face that brought her hope, joy and comfort. “Look, I’m sorry this is just a bit… strange”.

“I can appreciate it's pretty odd” Garrus agreed

“I just need a bit of, just, getting used to it” Shepard reassured him, well more herself than him “And I shouldn't have drunk last night” she added “Next time could you try and stop me?” 

“Stop you drinking?” Garrus asked, his face giving the ‘are you sure’ look. 

“Yeah” 

“So I get to be the one giving the orders for once?” Shepard laughed weakly at that, but laughed none the less. 

Suddenly, there was a message on her omni-tool, she brought it up to find that Tali and Liara were waiting at the entrance, waiting to be let in. 

“Crap” Shepard cursed “Shit, right, get in the bedroom” she began ushering him up the stairs into the room

“What?” Garrus asked

“Now!”

Quickly she slipped on a t-shirt and jeans and ran downstairs, letting the Vi know that it could let them in. 

  
  


“Shepard” Liara greeted as the door to the apartment opened, she let the two of them give her a hug, Tali’s being an exceptionally big hug before standing awkwardly in the doorway. 

“Can we come in?” Liara prompted

Oh! Yeah, yeah.. Come in you two” Shepard said, stepping to the side letting her two friends enter the flat.

“Look at you” Tali said with joy “You’re walking without your crutches, like before!”

“Yes you’ve made great progress with your health Shepard” Liara added, just as impressed

“Yeah, well you know me, true alliance marine” Shepard replied with a half laugh “No reaper invasion is going keep me down” she shifted nervously on her feet “Do you want a cup of something, water? Coffee? I may have some dextro tea Tali?” 

“Sure that sounds great” Tali replied

“You weren't answering calls” Liara said, as Shepard entered the kitchen

“Or messages” Tali added

“We were starting to get concerned”

“It’s been really busy” Shepard lied “With physio and reports for Hackett, he’s trying to get me to be in charge of the N7 programme you know, and council stuff, it’s been, hectic” Shepard poured three cups of tea, one dextro, two levo.  _ Garrus loved this tea _

“Which is good, you know, obviously” she added “kept my mind off everything, so” she handed them their teas and the three sat down on the sofa

“Of course Shepard, of course” Liara said, sipping her tea gently.

After a couple of hours, the two made their farewells 

“So, let's, er Meet up more” Shepard said, scratching her head awkwardly

“Of course Shepard!” Tali said giving her friend another tight hug

“And please keep in touch” Liara added

“Yeah, I’m sorry again”

“You’re strong Shepard” Liara said “You will get through this”

“I hope so” Shepard said as the two descended the elevator to the streets of the citadel below

  
  


“Hey” Garrus said as she came back up to the room “Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, I'm fine”

“What did your friend say?”

“Tali and Liara, you know them” Shepard replied as she sat down at her desk and opened up her messages, checking for anything new “She said that I was… that I was strong”

“You are aren’t you?” Garrus replied “Saviour of the galaxy and all?”

“I’m not so sure anymore…”

  
  


That night, the two laid side by side again, with Garrus staring up at the ceiling again. 

“Look” Shepard snapped “If you're going to pretend to be asleep, you could at least breathe, ok? It's just eerie if you don’t”

“Like this?” Garrus asked, as he started to imitate breathing in and out, in and out, as if he was asleep

“No, no it doesn't work” Shepard sighed as she sat up “I can tell that you're faking it”

“Would you like me to have sex with you?” the Garrus body asked

“Can you just go downstairs?” Shepard mumbled into her hands

“Ok” the Garrus body said as he started to get up

“No!” Shepard cried “See Garrus, the real would argue over that! He wouldn't just leave because I'd ordered him to” the tears started to stream down her face again.

“Ok” it replied as he started to get back into bed

“What?! No, Ah, fucking hell!”

“Shep please darling don’t cry, ” Garrus said, reaching out to try and comfort her only to have her violently shake his hand away. 

“Oh, don't! Just get out! Get out! Go on!” Shepard cried pushing him off the bed

“So you do want me to go?” Garrus asked again

“Just get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!” she cried “You're not enough of him! You are nothing! You're nothing, you’ll never be Garrus, no-one will ever be him, he was everything to me and you, you are nothing!”

The Garrus copy just looked at her, either not knowing what to reply or not knowing how to. 

“Fight me” Shepard said, punching it in the chest

“Hey,I don't do that” the copy said

“Fucking fight me!” Shepard cried “Hit me” she punched him again 

“Hit me!” and again

“Hit me!” and again

“Come on! Why are you just standing there taking this?How can you take this? The real Garrus wouldn’t just take this!”

“ Did I ever hit you?” he asked

“No...no, of course you didn't” Shepard replied with exasperation “but you might've done something if I done this” she punched again on his arm

“Or this” and again on his chest

“I don't... I don't know” She just cried “Garrus would have fought, he would have fought to stay with me because no matter what he never left me, he always had my six, always had my back, never betrayed me, never left me nothing just sayed with me, and he would always find me, but you, you wouldn't, would you? You wouldn't!”

!I could insult you” it replied.

“What?” Shepard replied, the statement throwing her off 

“There's tons of invective in the archive, I like speaking my mind, I could throw some of that at you”

“Get out of this house” she snarled, watching the Garrus copy walk down the stairs and into the elevator. 

The next morning Shepard woke up angry, tired and confused from the night before. Before she even had a chance to brush her teeth she noticed her omni-tool kept flashing, she brought it up and it showed her the Garrus copy, still standing in the elevator. 

“For fuck sake” she muttered as she brought up the intercom “What are you doing?” she asked

The copy looked up at the camera in the lift “I can't go more than 25 metres from my activation point”

“What is that, a joke?” she retorted “Where's your activation point?”

“Well it is what it states, it's where I was activated” Garrus replied “The bath”

“Right”

“I have to keep within a 25-metre radius unless my administrator - that's you - is with me” Garrus explained further

“Don't call me your administrator” Shepard sighed

“Why not?” Garrus laughed “Could be a new kind of kink?” Shepard couldn’t help but let out a laugh

“If you're laughing, can I come back inside?” Garrus asked “ Feeling like part of furniture here”.

After a long and hot shower, Shepard came down to find the Garrus copy holding a picture frame of her and Garrus

“Can you put that down, please?” she said

“But it’s us?” the copy replied

“Could you just put it down?” she said again, this time the copy obeyed. She looked at it deeply once more, taking in his features, as if for a moment, it was the real Garrus, not a copy. That this was her true reality, that she had just woken up and her Garrus was waiting downstairs for her, making her a cup of coffee or breakfast. She’d imagine sneaking up behind him, circling her arms around his waist, kissing his mandible softly. He’d turn around and do the same, kissing her neck gently, his talons gently caressing her cheek. They’d be together forever and always. 

Maybe one day, in some universe, that was true. But not this one.

“Come with me” she said “We're going out”

Originally she had no idea where she would take him, the citadel was far too crowded a place to take him. That’s when the place came to her. 

Eden Prime was a peaceful colony now. Still scarred from the war but recovering. It was slow and calm and beautiful. The perfect place for anyone to retire. Maybe this would be the planet they would have chosen, she wondered. 

“Where are we going?” the Garrus copy asked, following her up the cliff side

“Just hurry up” she said. They got to the top of the cliffside, Shepard was secretly impressed she managed to walk that far without help. She led him right to the edge and just stared over the horizon, the sun was starting to set. The gulls could be heard in the distance, and the waves crashing from below just empathised how high they were.

“Don’t tell me you came all this way just to jump” he joked as he looked over the horizon, he then looked at her “Seriously, don't do it” 

“I'm not going to” she said

“Ok” he replied

“See, he would have worked out what was going on” Shepard said as she turned to face him, it face it “This wouldn't have ever happened, but if it had, he would have worked it out because that’s what he did, he always worked things out, but not you”

“Sorry, hang on” the copy replied “This is difficult to process..”

“Jump” Shepard stated

“What?” Garrus replied, some shock echoing in his reply “Over there? I never expressed suicidal thoughts, or self-harm”

“Yeah, well, you aren't you, are you?” Shepard snapped back

“That's also difficult to answer, to be honest with you”

“You're just a few ripples of you” she cut him off “There's no history to you, you're just a performance of stuff, a copy of fragments of actions that he did, and it's not enough”

“Come on” it tried reasoned “I aim to please”

“Well aim to jump!” she snapped, pointing out to the horizon “Just do it!”

“Ok” it replied defeatedly, walking towards the edge “If you're absolutely sure”

“See, Garrus would've fought” Shepard said, eyes starting water he would have been scared, he would argue and try and make me see reason, he would have held my hand not let it go, he would have been crying, he would have been…”

“Oh” it said “Oh spirits no” He turned back to face her “Please, I don't want to do it, Please come on don't make me do it”

“No” Shepard gasped. “No, no that's not fair!”

“No, I'm frightened, darling!” Garrus started to shake “please Don't make me. I don't want to die.Come on I love you, please don’t do this to me! Darling I love you! I don't want to die” he started to cry, his whole body shaking. She had rarely seen Garrus cry and never this bad. It was horrific.

“ No” she cried “ that's not fair”

“I'm scared Shep, I don't want to die”

“Don't NO!!!!” she screamed, sinking to her knees in defeat, the sun sinking into the sea ahead of them.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A golden light shone on the end of a party on Eden Prime. Well party maybe a strong word, there was alcohol and laughter but it wasn’t quite a party, a get together was maybe a better word for it. 

“So how does it feel to be council members now?” Liara asked Wrex and Tali, whose races had been awarded council status, Tali herself now the first Qaurian spectre

“And, what’s going to be your first mission, miss the youngest spectre ever!” James added, oh and on top of that, she was the youngest to be selected, beating Shepard by 3 years. 

“Well, I’m considering more deep space exhibitions, there’s a lot we don’t know and I’d rather not wait until more deep space aliens find us first” Tali responded

“If you find us any good planets let us know” Wrex winked

“Well you can count me out of your first suicide mission” Joker replied, leaning back in his chair

“Nah count me in!” James replied laughing

Shepard looked at the room around her, the faces of those that remained, the ones that lived with her, past and present. “I’m so proud of you, both of you” 

“Well it would be nothing if it weren’t for you” Tali replied

“Yeah, Krogan generations are going to be telling your story for as long as the krogan race lives!” Wrex added “You’re tough Shep, you always have been always will be”

Once the party ended and everyone said their good-bye’s Shepard started clearing the rubbish, bottles of beer scattered everywhere. She noticed that one remained un-opened. Gently, she picked it up and took it with her to the outhouse.

This new house on Eden Prime came with an out-house located a couple of 100 meters away from the main house, it was just meant to be used for storage and the like so no-one really bothered to check in it. She arrived at the out-house, bottle in hand and unlocked the door.. 

“Good party?” the Garrus copy asked 

“Get-together” Shepard corrected as she handed him the bottle “There was some left over”

“Thank you” it replied as it took it. 

She didn’t look at it, she no longer could. 

“How is everyone?” he asked

“Good, they miss Garrus though” she replied, still staring at the ground. The copy didn’t respond.

“Are you doing anything” she asked, already knowing the answer 

“No” it replied

“Good” she said as she closed the door and locked it. 

  
  


_ “There’s no Shepard without Vakarian, we’re in this until the end” _

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> MY GOD WHAT A YEAR EH??? Yeah let's not go there....  
> So Be Right Back is one of my favourite episodes of Black Mirror and I really wanted to bring in thier ideas into the mass effect world.   
> And hey I love to make my faves suffer so why not make my otp become so depressed that they start to match my current mood... no we won't go there.   
> For those who've reached the end, congrats, you can hate me in the comments :)
> 
> Hope you are all staying safe and remember, this year will come to an end.


End file.
